Wanders

Recently I have been wondering how many people in this world genuinely know who I am. I have not stopped thinking about who I have let in and who has seen every part of me even the rawest of times. Only two people come to mind. God, and my ex boyfriend Morgan. Why? Why is it that the only person besides my creator to know my depth is the person who hurt me the worst? But that is exactly the answer I have been waiting for. You see, it is because I let Morgan in completely that I suffered such heartache when he was gone. Sometimes, I blame myself for what happened-that if I had just been more guarded then maybe, just maybe my heart would not have been broken. But the longer I try to convince myself that that is true, I am just reminded that it is not. Yes, I am to blame for a lot of my own heartache, as is anyone; but it takes two to cause collateral damage. There are times when i ask myself if i'll ever let someone know me the way Morgan did. In fact, I often wonder if it's ever possible for another person to know your depth the way another once has. Ten months have gone by since the painstakingly event occurred that caused me to alter my life in a way I never knew I could. Here I am, standing on my own two feet, in the best place of my life that I have been, and I still cannot let someone in. Maybe time has not run its course yet on me, or maybe I am too caught up in myself for once that making room for anyone else seems impossible. To be honest, there is nothing more difficult then letting go of someone you love, knowing they are still here on earth living their life, but that you cannot have them. Knowing that no matter how much time passes, or how much things may change, they are your past and will never be your future. God has worked wonders in my life this past year. Revealing His unfailing love, mercy, grace, and healing. Proving that He is the only way to a truly satisfying life. Almost everyday Morgan crosses my mind. Not in a way where I miss him or desire him, but it is more of a thought of thankfulness that I was able to experience something so raw and so full of lessons. Most people regret their ex or regret falling in love and giving their heart away, but not me. I gave my heart to my best friend, to the one person who knew exactly how to make my heart flutter, and how to make my heart break. And to me, that is a beautiful thing-knowing he had the power to break it, and letting him have it anyway. I think that is why I can look back today knowing that I gave it my all; because when you give someone your heart, you are truly giving them all of you-the most priceless and delicate part of you,anyway. Love is something I dream to find again one day whether that be in five years, or in fifty years. God is the love of my life, and that is enough for me. Until then, I continue to focus on loving, accepting, and creating the best version of BrieAnna there can be. Because when it boils down to the end, what matters is the mark we left on this world. The way we impacted the lives around us. I don't know about you, but what matters to me is how I make others feel about themselves. Not through my love and acceptance, but God's love and acceptance through me. Now if that is not the most satisfying victory on earth, then I do not know what is. Be the change you want to see in the world. Let the world see you for you, even at your rawest of times, you never know who is watching and whose life you can change.