Grief
Do you ever have those days that are just filled with nothing but grief? Where at all hours of the day you are grieving something or someone whether that is through death or not? The past few days my heart has been aching over anything remotely emotional. The loss of my niece Adeline, my first love Morgan, my first dog Maggie, the house where I grew up, even the loss over friendships I lost years ago. The pain of these losses are all similar but feel so different. Adeline's death was magnifying and taught my family how short our time is here on earth. How moments need to be cherished and how people need to be adored because one day your heart may be full of joy, and the next with sorrow. Addie is the angel of this family-she watches over us and there are days I feel like she is right next to me. She was so whole, so perfect, so beautiful. I still do not understand why God had to take her from us, from her mother and father, from her grandparents, her aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. Why did she have to suffer and never have the opportunity to open her eyes here on earth to see her mother and fathers face light up with nothing but love for her...it is so confusing. God won't always give us the answers we are looking for, but I can honestly say that my sweet baby Addie is living the life Christian's dream of with our Heavenly father. I miss her quite often and I wonder who she would have been and what type of interests she might have. Or what boy would break her heart and how she would rise above and let it mold her into a woman of strength. I look forward to the day I can wrap my arms around her again and kiss those perfectly made cheeks.
My first love never leaves my mind. Whether I am sleeping or awake, he is in the back of my mind. No matter how much I may miss him, he looks happier now than he ever has. He is moving on with someone new, and no matter how much that may hurt, he is happy. There is this significant scene from a movie that will forever be engraved in my mind. The woman remarks to this man, "It's possible, isn't it? It's possible that you can meet someone perfect for you, while being committed to someone else." The man responds, "No, because I think that if you are committed to somebody, you won't allow yourself to find perfection in someone else". This was the ending to my love story. Plain and simple. Commitment just was not possible from his side to me, which means I was not his person. He was my perfect person, and even though I will never allow for someone to hurt me the way he did again, I am still in love with him. One day, I will be loved in return. Whether that is by the man God chooses for me to spend my life with, or if it is by God alone. He broke my heart like lovers do. Last night I went to a concert and the artist played this song I had never heard before. And my heart just ached and my tears began to flow. For the first time in months a song about losing someone you love to someone else brought out my emotions. At first, I tried to hold back my tears; but instead, I let myself feel the sadness. I allowed my heart and mind to release some of the heartache I have been holding back. There is no shame for me to know that my first love with always be someone who stole my heart, broke it, and still has pieces of it. I will forever hold this man dear to my heart.
My first love never leaves my mind. Whether I am sleeping or awake, he is in the back of my mind. No matter how much I may miss him, he looks happier now than he ever has. He is moving on with someone new, and no matter how much that may hurt, he is happy. There is this significant scene from a movie that will forever be engraved in my mind. The woman remarks to this man, "It's possible, isn't it? It's possible that you can meet someone perfect for you, while being committed to someone else." The man responds, "No, because I think that if you are committed to somebody, you won't allow yourself to find perfection in someone else". This was the ending to my love story. Plain and simple. Commitment just was not possible from his side to me, which means I was not his person. He was my perfect person, and even though I will never allow for someone to hurt me the way he did again, I am still in love with him. One day, I will be loved in return. Whether that is by the man God chooses for me to spend my life with, or if it is by God alone. He broke my heart like lovers do. Last night I went to a concert and the artist played this song I had never heard before. And my heart just ached and my tears began to flow. For the first time in months a song about losing someone you love to someone else brought out my emotions. At first, I tried to hold back my tears; but instead, I let myself feel the sadness. I allowed my heart and mind to release some of the heartache I have been holding back. There is no shame for me to know that my first love with always be someone who stole my heart, broke it, and still has pieces of it. I will forever hold this man dear to my heart.
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