Growth
It has been quite awhile since I last posted here on my blog. So much changed for me in 2018. I moved into my own place to which i found myself very lonely and at the time, with a very mentally draining job. In March I then joined Planet Fitness Gym with my older sister Brittany and began to regain my health that had been lacking for many years. In that same month, I met a man named Tyler. At first, I wasn't sure what to expect or how to process what was to become of our friendship, but in a short period of time, the purpose of this friendship was revealed.
One day at the gym I was approached by an old friend of mine and one of his friends who they called Smiley. When introduced to smiley, I simply asked him why that nickname was chosen for him. He explained that throughout high school people gave him this name because there wasn't a day or time when he did not smile. I found this intriguing and it seemed like he was a person of optimism and saw the world as half full. Within the next couple of days we started to get to know each other very well. We worked out together at the gym which was very good for me because we pushed each other in our health and to make good choices. Finally, he asked me out on our very first date. That night when i was preparing for the date, I was so incredibly nervous. Not to be with him, but because I finally felt like this might be something long term, serious, and real for me. Let me just say, our first date was amazing. Never in my life had I been more comfortable and vulnerable with a human being. We stayed out until 4am just talking and getting to know one another. And the rest from there on has been history. Tyler fits in my life like a puzzle piece. He reminded me what it feels like to feel alive and confident in myself. During the first month of us dating, I found myself at a new job with very exhausting hours. Each day I was more than exhausted and did not feel up to doing much - and he stood by my side every step of the way. He encouraged me when I was struggling and celebrated with me in my high times. Tyler did not know a lick about dentistry but pretended to care anyway. As time went on for our relationship, we found ourselves very serious about each other. We discussed the future often and began to move forward.
About 3 or so months ago, Tyler and I found ourselves in a very difficult place in our relationship. We had an argument that led to many questions, tears, confusion, and pain. Our relationship did not overcome that argument. A few days after Thanksgiving, Tyler and I had a very big discussion about our relationship and how I felt as though I needed space to figure things out. That my heart and mind were clouded and I needed room to figure these things out. So, I called off the relationship and broke his heart. Soon after that we were back together and for a week or so, things were incredible between us. Unfortunately in my heart I was still battling things that were serious. I had all these dreams with Tyler but yet I could not pinpoint why I was not feeling like I was in love or that I had found my person. Yet when I pictured my future, he was always in it. My head and my heart were not matching up, and i needed to figure out why. So once again, I called the relationship quits a few days before the holidays, and broke his heart yet again. Twice. I am writing this blog post not as a sappy love story, but to share where my heart lies today.
It has only been three or so weeks since the split. I have done nothing but reflect on myself, the relationship, and pray to God to give me a sign of clarity. It has been in this past week that I have come to realize so many things. First off, I am a selfish partner in relationships. I expect one thing out of my partner and yet do not give the same in return. I decide when I can get angry and when I can call it quits. I decided when I could see/talk to him and when not too. I dictated what we did and when we did it. This poor man gave me everything in the entire world, and everyday I took him for granted. So many things were going through my head - I was more than unfair to him. Here I have this man who loved me unconditionally and who stuck by side no matter the circumstance. Regret doesn't even begin to explain how i feel about ending our relationship. God has revealed to me so many things through this time of heartache and growth. He revealed to me that the love I have experienced in my past was a surface level love. That the love I have with Tyler is meaningful and full of depth. Tyler will be the BEST life companion. He will be the most amazing husband, and father to his children, not to mention he has the most selfless heart i have ever known. God made it obvious to me in this time apart that everything i have been wanting in my entire life was right in front of me. I was just too stupid to notice. I am a fool for letting the love of my life go. He deserves everything in this world. I have recently reached out to Tyler, explaining my heart and where I am coming from. He is confused, in so much pain, and has no idea what to do or what to think. I've explained to him that the way i feel about him now does not compare to anything i have ever felt in the past. That i want to be his life companion, his best friend, his shoulder to cry on. My heart belongs to this man, but his heart no longer belongs to me because i broke him. I hurt him so deeply and I cannot take that back. Everyday I fight for him and I will not stop. I will not stop until my last breath. He deserves to be fought for, he deserves the same love he gives, and i am finally prepared to do that for him. This heartache I am feeling right now is different than before. It stems from the fact that I hurt him so deeply, that I may have ruined things forever and that is so hard to live with. I have potentially lost my best friend in the entire world. Something I will have to live with. But until the day he looks me in the eye and asks me to let him go, i will not stop fighting. I will love you, Tyler, and cherish you for eternity. You will never be alone again if you choose me to be your person and companion.
So to my viewers of which are none, let me give you a piece of advice. When you find a man who loves you unconditionally, always puts you first, never stops fighting for you, do NOT under any circumstances, let him go. Men like Tyler are very rare to find, so when you find your Tyler, hold him close to your heart and never let him go. Love him until it almost kills you. Build a foundation stronger than ever, fight to work through every challenge that tries to tear you apart. And most importantly, remind yourself of why you fell in love in the first place. I can only wait and pray now that the Lord leads me and Tyler back to each other. If Tyler decides to give me one more chance, i guarantee you he will be my husband in the next few years. Just hold on to your loved ones, because you''ll never know when it will be the last time. When all you can hold on to is the memories. I'd so much rather be holding on to him, reflecting on the memories while we make more...write more soon.
One day at the gym I was approached by an old friend of mine and one of his friends who they called Smiley. When introduced to smiley, I simply asked him why that nickname was chosen for him. He explained that throughout high school people gave him this name because there wasn't a day or time when he did not smile. I found this intriguing and it seemed like he was a person of optimism and saw the world as half full. Within the next couple of days we started to get to know each other very well. We worked out together at the gym which was very good for me because we pushed each other in our health and to make good choices. Finally, he asked me out on our very first date. That night when i was preparing for the date, I was so incredibly nervous. Not to be with him, but because I finally felt like this might be something long term, serious, and real for me. Let me just say, our first date was amazing. Never in my life had I been more comfortable and vulnerable with a human being. We stayed out until 4am just talking and getting to know one another. And the rest from there on has been history. Tyler fits in my life like a puzzle piece. He reminded me what it feels like to feel alive and confident in myself. During the first month of us dating, I found myself at a new job with very exhausting hours. Each day I was more than exhausted and did not feel up to doing much - and he stood by my side every step of the way. He encouraged me when I was struggling and celebrated with me in my high times. Tyler did not know a lick about dentistry but pretended to care anyway. As time went on for our relationship, we found ourselves very serious about each other. We discussed the future often and began to move forward.
About 3 or so months ago, Tyler and I found ourselves in a very difficult place in our relationship. We had an argument that led to many questions, tears, confusion, and pain. Our relationship did not overcome that argument. A few days after Thanksgiving, Tyler and I had a very big discussion about our relationship and how I felt as though I needed space to figure things out. That my heart and mind were clouded and I needed room to figure these things out. So, I called off the relationship and broke his heart. Soon after that we were back together and for a week or so, things were incredible between us. Unfortunately in my heart I was still battling things that were serious. I had all these dreams with Tyler but yet I could not pinpoint why I was not feeling like I was in love or that I had found my person. Yet when I pictured my future, he was always in it. My head and my heart were not matching up, and i needed to figure out why. So once again, I called the relationship quits a few days before the holidays, and broke his heart yet again. Twice. I am writing this blog post not as a sappy love story, but to share where my heart lies today.
It has only been three or so weeks since the split. I have done nothing but reflect on myself, the relationship, and pray to God to give me a sign of clarity. It has been in this past week that I have come to realize so many things. First off, I am a selfish partner in relationships. I expect one thing out of my partner and yet do not give the same in return. I decide when I can get angry and when I can call it quits. I decided when I could see/talk to him and when not too. I dictated what we did and when we did it. This poor man gave me everything in the entire world, and everyday I took him for granted. So many things were going through my head - I was more than unfair to him. Here I have this man who loved me unconditionally and who stuck by side no matter the circumstance. Regret doesn't even begin to explain how i feel about ending our relationship. God has revealed to me so many things through this time of heartache and growth. He revealed to me that the love I have experienced in my past was a surface level love. That the love I have with Tyler is meaningful and full of depth. Tyler will be the BEST life companion. He will be the most amazing husband, and father to his children, not to mention he has the most selfless heart i have ever known. God made it obvious to me in this time apart that everything i have been wanting in my entire life was right in front of me. I was just too stupid to notice. I am a fool for letting the love of my life go. He deserves everything in this world. I have recently reached out to Tyler, explaining my heart and where I am coming from. He is confused, in so much pain, and has no idea what to do or what to think. I've explained to him that the way i feel about him now does not compare to anything i have ever felt in the past. That i want to be his life companion, his best friend, his shoulder to cry on. My heart belongs to this man, but his heart no longer belongs to me because i broke him. I hurt him so deeply and I cannot take that back. Everyday I fight for him and I will not stop. I will not stop until my last breath. He deserves to be fought for, he deserves the same love he gives, and i am finally prepared to do that for him. This heartache I am feeling right now is different than before. It stems from the fact that I hurt him so deeply, that I may have ruined things forever and that is so hard to live with. I have potentially lost my best friend in the entire world. Something I will have to live with. But until the day he looks me in the eye and asks me to let him go, i will not stop fighting. I will love you, Tyler, and cherish you for eternity. You will never be alone again if you choose me to be your person and companion.
So to my viewers of which are none, let me give you a piece of advice. When you find a man who loves you unconditionally, always puts you first, never stops fighting for you, do NOT under any circumstances, let him go. Men like Tyler are very rare to find, so when you find your Tyler, hold him close to your heart and never let him go. Love him until it almost kills you. Build a foundation stronger than ever, fight to work through every challenge that tries to tear you apart. And most importantly, remind yourself of why you fell in love in the first place. I can only wait and pray now that the Lord leads me and Tyler back to each other. If Tyler decides to give me one more chance, i guarantee you he will be my husband in the next few years. Just hold on to your loved ones, because you''ll never know when it will be the last time. When all you can hold on to is the memories. I'd so much rather be holding on to him, reflecting on the memories while we make more...write more soon.
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