For the last couple of weeks I have spent a lot of time grieving over my past. The choices I made and didn't make, the people I loved and should have loved harder, and even the thoughts I had that I should and should not have acted on. I have made so many mistakes in my life, and I am only twenty years old-which means I still have a lifetime of mistakes ahead for me. But lately I have just been so down on myself that everyday seems to be a little harder.
I have worked so incredibly hard to be the person I am today. For so long I had to fight to open my eyes in the morning, to drag myself out of my room filled with my dark thoughts and go on with the day, fighting for air and some sort of motivation to breathe. The goal for my writing is to be real and honest and vulnerable with how I am feeling. I am not ashamed or afraid to say that I miss my former boyfriend. I miss Morgan, plain and simple. The last month or so I have been writing a letter to him, saying all the things that come to my mind and heart. I'd never send him this letter, but it is a way for me to release all of my feelings and feel free of what holds me back. He is happy, in love, and has moved in and from the bottom of my heart i am truly happy for him. There is no hatred in my heart for him and no bitterness. Yes, i have questions that i know will never get answered, but i think that is common for everyone who has lost someone they love. My letter talks about how loving him controlled my life and how there was no greater feeling than waking up everyday knowing i belonged to him hopefully for the rest of my days here on earth. But that I'd rather be without him than face the pain he caused me. It's true, I'd rather be alone than with the person he has become. But you know want to know something? People may change, but the memories do not. The memories follow you around and appear in your mind at the most random times of your life. This fall, I am head volleyball coach for my former high school. Five days a week I am back in that same school with the same teachers. Everything is the same except I am not the same. Every corner i turn i can still see his face or some sort of memory. Five years worth of memories were made in that school with Morgan, and I have to be able to face the fact that if I am going to be back there, i will be reminded. You can ask me every single day if i am over him, and i might be able to tell you yes. However, if i were drunk in a room with all the people i have ever loved, i know his arms would be where I'd run too. Morgan and i split up 11 months and 8 days ago. Not a word from him, not a casual meeting, not even an encounterment with a family member of his. Honestly, if i ever saw him one day in the distant future, my heart would most likely ache. I pray that it wouldn't because then i could finally know and believe in my heart that i had moved from loving him. But guys that just is not realistic. I mean honestly who can say that when they lose 100% of their feelings and the first time they run into the love of their life it doesn't hurt just a little? God, i hope it does hurt me a little if i ever see him again. Cause that will remind me how real it was on my end.
This post seems like a lot of rambling and disorganized thoughts....but I just wanted to say that is it OKAY to miss someone you care about. Someone you love. We are all capable of enduring the same pain at one point or another. I am so thankful that i fell in love with my best friend and the first true love of my life. Morgan Thomas Muglach changed my life and i am eternally grateful for the opportunity i was given to fall in love. I so look forward to the day someone loves me in return the way i loved him. Because let me tell you.....it was the rawest form of love my heart has ever known. No matter how much time passes, i will never wish to take back falling in love with him, or getting my heart broken by him. Now I would say that is healing and growth. Would you?
I have worked so incredibly hard to be the person I am today. For so long I had to fight to open my eyes in the morning, to drag myself out of my room filled with my dark thoughts and go on with the day, fighting for air and some sort of motivation to breathe. The goal for my writing is to be real and honest and vulnerable with how I am feeling. I am not ashamed or afraid to say that I miss my former boyfriend. I miss Morgan, plain and simple. The last month or so I have been writing a letter to him, saying all the things that come to my mind and heart. I'd never send him this letter, but it is a way for me to release all of my feelings and feel free of what holds me back. He is happy, in love, and has moved in and from the bottom of my heart i am truly happy for him. There is no hatred in my heart for him and no bitterness. Yes, i have questions that i know will never get answered, but i think that is common for everyone who has lost someone they love. My letter talks about how loving him controlled my life and how there was no greater feeling than waking up everyday knowing i belonged to him hopefully for the rest of my days here on earth. But that I'd rather be without him than face the pain he caused me. It's true, I'd rather be alone than with the person he has become. But you know want to know something? People may change, but the memories do not. The memories follow you around and appear in your mind at the most random times of your life. This fall, I am head volleyball coach for my former high school. Five days a week I am back in that same school with the same teachers. Everything is the same except I am not the same. Every corner i turn i can still see his face or some sort of memory. Five years worth of memories were made in that school with Morgan, and I have to be able to face the fact that if I am going to be back there, i will be reminded. You can ask me every single day if i am over him, and i might be able to tell you yes. However, if i were drunk in a room with all the people i have ever loved, i know his arms would be where I'd run too. Morgan and i split up 11 months and 8 days ago. Not a word from him, not a casual meeting, not even an encounterment with a family member of his. Honestly, if i ever saw him one day in the distant future, my heart would most likely ache. I pray that it wouldn't because then i could finally know and believe in my heart that i had moved from loving him. But guys that just is not realistic. I mean honestly who can say that when they lose 100% of their feelings and the first time they run into the love of their life it doesn't hurt just a little? God, i hope it does hurt me a little if i ever see him again. Cause that will remind me how real it was on my end.
This post seems like a lot of rambling and disorganized thoughts....but I just wanted to say that is it OKAY to miss someone you care about. Someone you love. We are all capable of enduring the same pain at one point or another. I am so thankful that i fell in love with my best friend and the first true love of my life. Morgan Thomas Muglach changed my life and i am eternally grateful for the opportunity i was given to fall in love. I so look forward to the day someone loves me in return the way i loved him. Because let me tell you.....it was the rawest form of love my heart has ever known. No matter how much time passes, i will never wish to take back falling in love with him, or getting my heart broken by him. Now I would say that is healing and growth. Would you?
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