Learning to be Patient

 
   "Be patient. Wait just a little longer. Hang in there, be patient, things will get better".  These are just some of the thoughts that come to mind when I think of the word patience. In my opinion, being patient with God, people, this world, and timing in itself is extremely difficult. Often times we tend to want our way and are anxious to arrive at the finish line as soon as possible.

     For the past year or so, I have focused a lot of my time on learning to be patient. Praying for patience to understand the plan God had in store for me was one of the most challenging things I have ever done. My whole life I have had so many questions for God-ranging from what will tomorrow hold to what will the next five years hold, all the way to why did You do this to me if You love me, God? For as long as I can remember, I have loved Jesus and never seemed to question if He was real or not-if He was truly the Son of God. My faith has been shaken two significant times in my life that I can remember. There were times I kept begging God to just explain to me why bad things happen to good people. However, I never once denied Him or questioned His existence. Then rock bottom hit and everything changed. There was a time I remember laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, feeling like parts of me were beginning to slowly die, and all I could do was lay there. Hopeless, broken, confused, tormented, sad. The only thing I could ask Jesus for was to end my life and take away the pain I had been suffering. It was not that I even really had the urge to take my own life, but I also did not try to prevent it. Things like if I were hungry or thirsty, I would just stay hungry and thirsty. Or if I noticed my exhaustion whiling driving, I would not care if I drifted off and fell asleep at the wheel. One time I remember I even closed my eyes but somehow, I was still going straight and did not have an accident.

     Just when I had given up, hated God, and turned away from even beginning to trust Him, I heard this voice inside my head telling me, "Patience BrieAnna. Patience". Really? After everything I was going through the last thing I wanted to be told was to be patient. After a few days, all I could wonder was if that was God trying to comfort me by telling me to just not give up- to be patient and things might change or somehow get easier. On a cold morning in January, I woke up from a detailed dream, and I no longer felt the pain I had been experiencing in my heart for months and months. In fact, there was a sense of peace that covered my whole body. My limbs were no longer weak, my constant struggle to force myself out of bed disappeared, and my heart and mind no longer panicked at the thought of losing what I lost. How was this possible? After months of heartache and restlessness it just disappeared without reason? That morning I was so relieved but yet so confused as to what God was doing. On my way to work, a Christian song began to play on the radio. The main chorus of this particular song pierced my soul and I immediately knew that this was no miracle, but that this was the Lord's healing of my broken heart. Trust in You by Lauren Daigle was the beautiful song playing that morning. "Every moment of my wandering, never changes what You see. I've tried to win this war, I confess. My hands are weary, I need Your rest. Mighty warrior, King of the fight, no matter what I face You're by my side". Speechless. The words were embedded in my heart, mind, and soul. Finally, I woke up and realized that I was trying to win this war with pain without God and I could not do it without God. All I needed to do all along was give my burdens over to the Lord, and allow Him to work in my life and trust Him with all things. However, that is a lot easier said than done.

    I'll never forget that morning driving to work and realizing that God was my firm foundation, that in order to move forward with my life, I needed to follow His path for my life instead of my own. Being vulnerable to God with my heart was not an easy task to do, but once I said okay God, here's my heart, and here is my life, let it be Thy Will, my entire life changed. I am no longer scared of the unknown or question why I am here on this earth. Instead, I am more excited to wake up each day happier than the day before. This world is already cruel enough and there is no more time to waste living in sadness or being too hard on ourselves. So wake up every morning and CHOOSE to be happy. CHOOSE to love yourself. CHOOSE to be a better version of yourself today than you were yesterday. CHOOSE to love life for what it is, than for what it could be. CHOOSE God, CHOOSE yourself, and CHOOSE joy when the world offers nothing but sorrow.