Wants, Desires, Reality
There was never a day that writing did not seem inviting and comforting. Every night I would crawl into bed and open my bed side table, pull out my journal, and write until my pen ran out. However, there was this phase of my life where writing was no longer enough. I no longer looked forward to expressing my thoughts because I physically could not even pick up my utensil. My words disappeared from my lips and I trembled with fear of the unknown. Imagine losing the one thing in this world that made you feel invincible-the one thing that reminded you to breathe and cast your burdens to the Lord. Every night when I would express myself it felt like I had been set free by whatever demons were persistent on bringing me down. And it was finally working-the devil was finally winning by taking away the one single aspect of my life that could never be shaken.
A few years ago, my life changed forever and this feeling in my gut told me things would never be the same again. In September of this past year, my whole world rocked and I have not been the same person since. If you've ever experienced rock bottom you'll know exactly what I am talking about and what I faced. Rock bottom is not just something that happens to you-it is not just one event that leads you to fall down and not be able to stand back up. It is a series of trials built up that pour out when you emotionally cannot handle life anymore. I'll never forget when I realized that rock bottom was where I was headed-that if I did not act fast, many lives around me were going to drastically change in the matter of seconds. My heart was broken into a million pieces. I don't mean just sadness, but I physically felt like pieces of me were lying on the floor all around me and I could not find the strength to gather those pieces back together. Pretend that you are swimming in the ocean and a wave knocks you down hard. Remember that feeling being underwater staring above you at the surface, waiting for that urge to swim to the top to gasp for air. Rock bottom sees this differently. I could see the surface of the ocean, I could see my chance to breathe again, but I couldn't make my way to the top. All I could do was hold my breath and stare at the surface. I didn't care if I breathed again or if I stopped breathing-and it was like this for everything. The urge to eat, drink fluids, shower, stand up, and even breathe were no longer existent to my body. All hope had vanished, all my desire to live crumbled before my eyes. Dreaming of car accidents or sudden deaths was one thing, but to live that was a whole different story. There was no coming back from this-I had given up and the world had given up on me.
For so many years I made allowances for people to determine my worth and my happiness. Everything I did was a plea for others to desire me. So many times I would say to myself "I just want someone to want me. Someone to love me and pick me first". How could I expect someone to ever choose me if I couldn't even choose myself? How can we expect people to love us and want us when we don't even want ourselves. So one morning, after months and months of praying, I decided to take my life back into my hands. I decided to create my own happiness even if that meant being alone for a very long time. You see, we want that fairy tale of reaching happiness and being the perfect person-the perfect family, wife, mother. Reality is that this world is full of pain and darkness and cruelty. No matter how hard we try to obtain all these 'perfect' qualities and lifestyles, it is impossible. We are human and the human heart is the most powerful weapon on this earth. There is nothing like heartache, there is nothing wrong with desiring to be loved and adored and successful and happy. But happiness is just a state of being just like when you are hungry or sad or tired. Are you always going to be hungry? Are you always going to be sad or tired? No, because the human heart was designed to experience love and emotions on a whole different level for a lifetime. We were made to understand pain and joy and exhaustion and liveliness and hunger and satisfaction. The moment we decide to see happiness as a choice, then your entire perspective on this world changes. Looking at the glass as half full makes for a satisfactory life. Pain will come to us. Joy will come to us. And it will all come in waves and we will embrace it as it comes.
My biggest fear is falling in love and getting hurt again. For me, there is no heartache like rejection. I fear rejection every single second of every single day. No matter how happy I am, or how much I love, adore, and accept myself for who I am, I still desire to be a first choice to someone besides myself. However, I have accepted that others are human too-and that our chances of not getting hurt are inevitable. Sadly, the next person I fall in love with most likely will not be the person I spend my life with, but I keep my head high and live each and every day for what it is. Of course, it would be nice to feel secure in someone else again, but humans fail us too. Everyone is different and yet we are all the same. Praying is something I like to do every night before I fall asleep-I do not pray for me to find a man or to be with a specific person. I pray that God would be enough for me, that God would fill that void in my heart. I hurt everyday when I am reminded that love is absent from my life. When I think that a man may never love me or see me the way I am capable of doing, my stomach turns and I try to face the reality. God has to be enough for me. He has to be the center of my world and the love of my life. I used to think that being faithful to Him would mean that eventually, He would bring me the best man in this world for me. But that could not be farther from the truth. Being faithful to God should not be a task or something we do in order to receive something in return. Faithfulness to the Lord should be the desire of our hearts. God put us here and He can take us away. Going to heaven and feeling like I didn't love God enough here on earth scares me. We are put here for a purpose, and if my purpose is to focus all my love on Jesus, then that is exactly what I must do. No more waiting on the 'perfect' man to come along and sweep me off my feet. Instead, I try to run after God so that He can be the love of my life, so that God can sweep me off my feet and make me feel like the princess I am.
Writing is no longer a place for me to rid of my emotions and grief. It's not something I do to escape, but something I love because I feel connected to my soul. All of my thoughts have such a long way to go just like my writing, but I intend to live out this dream I have to share my heart with others and show others that they are not alone-that there are so many hearts that suffer the same pain. So here is my vulnerability, here is my heart, and here is my journey. I look forward to sharing it with the world so that people can see an example of someone who can not just survive rock bottom, but who came back on top and continues to be the best version of themselves every single day despite the trials of this life.
For so many years I made allowances for people to determine my worth and my happiness. Everything I did was a plea for others to desire me. So many times I would say to myself "I just want someone to want me. Someone to love me and pick me first". How could I expect someone to ever choose me if I couldn't even choose myself? How can we expect people to love us and want us when we don't even want ourselves. So one morning, after months and months of praying, I decided to take my life back into my hands. I decided to create my own happiness even if that meant being alone for a very long time. You see, we want that fairy tale of reaching happiness and being the perfect person-the perfect family, wife, mother. Reality is that this world is full of pain and darkness and cruelty. No matter how hard we try to obtain all these 'perfect' qualities and lifestyles, it is impossible. We are human and the human heart is the most powerful weapon on this earth. There is nothing like heartache, there is nothing wrong with desiring to be loved and adored and successful and happy. But happiness is just a state of being just like when you are hungry or sad or tired. Are you always going to be hungry? Are you always going to be sad or tired? No, because the human heart was designed to experience love and emotions on a whole different level for a lifetime. We were made to understand pain and joy and exhaustion and liveliness and hunger and satisfaction. The moment we decide to see happiness as a choice, then your entire perspective on this world changes. Looking at the glass as half full makes for a satisfactory life. Pain will come to us. Joy will come to us. And it will all come in waves and we will embrace it as it comes.
My biggest fear is falling in love and getting hurt again. For me, there is no heartache like rejection. I fear rejection every single second of every single day. No matter how happy I am, or how much I love, adore, and accept myself for who I am, I still desire to be a first choice to someone besides myself. However, I have accepted that others are human too-and that our chances of not getting hurt are inevitable. Sadly, the next person I fall in love with most likely will not be the person I spend my life with, but I keep my head high and live each and every day for what it is. Of course, it would be nice to feel secure in someone else again, but humans fail us too. Everyone is different and yet we are all the same. Praying is something I like to do every night before I fall asleep-I do not pray for me to find a man or to be with a specific person. I pray that God would be enough for me, that God would fill that void in my heart. I hurt everyday when I am reminded that love is absent from my life. When I think that a man may never love me or see me the way I am capable of doing, my stomach turns and I try to face the reality. God has to be enough for me. He has to be the center of my world and the love of my life. I used to think that being faithful to Him would mean that eventually, He would bring me the best man in this world for me. But that could not be farther from the truth. Being faithful to God should not be a task or something we do in order to receive something in return. Faithfulness to the Lord should be the desire of our hearts. God put us here and He can take us away. Going to heaven and feeling like I didn't love God enough here on earth scares me. We are put here for a purpose, and if my purpose is to focus all my love on Jesus, then that is exactly what I must do. No more waiting on the 'perfect' man to come along and sweep me off my feet. Instead, I try to run after God so that He can be the love of my life, so that God can sweep me off my feet and make me feel like the princess I am.
Writing is no longer a place for me to rid of my emotions and grief. It's not something I do to escape, but something I love because I feel connected to my soul. All of my thoughts have such a long way to go just like my writing, but I intend to live out this dream I have to share my heart with others and show others that they are not alone-that there are so many hearts that suffer the same pain. So here is my vulnerability, here is my heart, and here is my journey. I look forward to sharing it with the world so that people can see an example of someone who can not just survive rock bottom, but who came back on top and continues to be the best version of themselves every single day despite the trials of this life.
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