Reflections
Lately, I have had plenty of time to reflect back on my life. Focusing on the last six years has really opened my eyes and broadened my perspective on trials and feelings. For so long I wasn't sure why I struggled with connecting; with myself, my family, my friends, God, my emotions and feelings. A huge part of me wondered why I had to be so different than everyone else. Whether that be from being too tall to the way I held my writing utensil. Insecurity was my first name and that horrific word controlled every move I ever made for as long as I can remember. This past month, I have tried extremely hard to focus on loving who I am and being happy and content with my life and where I am at right now. In the past, I have let how others feel and make me feel dominate my life and my feelings. I had no idea what it was like to be happy for myself and with the decisions I was making on a day to day basis. It was not until recently when I stopped in the middle of a project and realized how content I am in my life right now. How every day when I wake up, I am excited to go to work and do my job. Mostly because it is not just a job to me, it is my career. It is what keeps me on my feet and it is a huge part of why I look forward to every day as a new day to be better than before. Things in my life are not perfect right now. In fact, sometimes I wonder if certain things are ever going to change or if I'll be able to overcome these obstacles.
For seven months I depended heavily on medication to help my depression subside. When I felt even sadder one day then the day before, I would take more medicine to help me forget-to numb me more and more until I could no longer feel my own skin get cold. What can I say, my heart was broken. My life was a mess and in my head, there was no way I could come back from my suffering. It has been two months since I threw away my anti-depressant and took hold of my own life. For the first 6 weeks I had terrible withdrawals. The side effects were unbearably difficult. I had dizzy spells, moments where I would break down and cry because I was feeling the pain on a level I had not in awhile. Then there were moments of pure joy and laughter that would crash into severe anxiety, hopelessness, depression, and anger. Let me tell you, it was difficult. It was more difficult learning to cope with the pain of a loss without medication than with it. I am always going to love the man who broke my heart. I will always cherish the memories and hold them dear to my heart. There will never be a day that goes by where I will wish to go back and do things differently. He taught me so much about life, love, loyalty, honesty, and respect. He taught me to never let someone else determine your value, your worth, and to never let someone steal your joy. Those who truly know me, know that I am an upbeat happy person who loves life. And maybe that is because they have heard my story and seen my struggle. My former boyfriend will always be a huge part of me, When you love someone so fiercely for over 5 years, it is almost impossible to walk away and pretend it never happened. It is impossible and unrealistic that that special person will not cross your mind from time to time and maybe even cause your heart to ache for a moment. They say that you know you really love someone when you cannot hate them for breaking your heart. Well, that statement is true and I think most would agree. However, I think that you truly love someone when you pray that they find a love for someone the way you had for them. That their soul burns with fire and that their love is so passionate it lifts them off their own two feet. When you genuinely want to see them laugh and smile the way you once did. When you are finally able to let go and be happy for them no matter who they are with. So many people asked me how bad it hurt when I found out my ex had fallen in love and was happier than ever. My response probably shocked more than half of the people who asked me. After a moment of silence, I closed my eyes, smiled, and said that I could only hope that he found the love with her that I found in him. A love that makes the world not seem so dark. A love that lights a fire in your soul and challenges you to be the best version of yourself to better this world and the people who surround you.
Love has taught me so many lessons that I will never regret no matter what heartache came with it. There will always be something to take away from the trials of this life. My hope is that one day, I can be a wife and a mother who can lend a shoulder to cry on when my child is faced with a broken-heart. Everyone gets their heart broken in this world, no matter how hard you may try to protect it. The human heart is the most sensitive, breakable, yet strong thing on this earth. And love....love is the most powerful emotion there is-lovesick only defies how amazing and delicate the human heart is; and my friends, that is a beautiful thing. So embrace love when it comes your way, and let it soar when it's time to fly.
For seven months I depended heavily on medication to help my depression subside. When I felt even sadder one day then the day before, I would take more medicine to help me forget-to numb me more and more until I could no longer feel my own skin get cold. What can I say, my heart was broken. My life was a mess and in my head, there was no way I could come back from my suffering. It has been two months since I threw away my anti-depressant and took hold of my own life. For the first 6 weeks I had terrible withdrawals. The side effects were unbearably difficult. I had dizzy spells, moments where I would break down and cry because I was feeling the pain on a level I had not in awhile. Then there were moments of pure joy and laughter that would crash into severe anxiety, hopelessness, depression, and anger. Let me tell you, it was difficult. It was more difficult learning to cope with the pain of a loss without medication than with it. I am always going to love the man who broke my heart. I will always cherish the memories and hold them dear to my heart. There will never be a day that goes by where I will wish to go back and do things differently. He taught me so much about life, love, loyalty, honesty, and respect. He taught me to never let someone else determine your value, your worth, and to never let someone steal your joy. Those who truly know me, know that I am an upbeat happy person who loves life. And maybe that is because they have heard my story and seen my struggle. My former boyfriend will always be a huge part of me, When you love someone so fiercely for over 5 years, it is almost impossible to walk away and pretend it never happened. It is impossible and unrealistic that that special person will not cross your mind from time to time and maybe even cause your heart to ache for a moment. They say that you know you really love someone when you cannot hate them for breaking your heart. Well, that statement is true and I think most would agree. However, I think that you truly love someone when you pray that they find a love for someone the way you had for them. That their soul burns with fire and that their love is so passionate it lifts them off their own two feet. When you genuinely want to see them laugh and smile the way you once did. When you are finally able to let go and be happy for them no matter who they are with. So many people asked me how bad it hurt when I found out my ex had fallen in love and was happier than ever. My response probably shocked more than half of the people who asked me. After a moment of silence, I closed my eyes, smiled, and said that I could only hope that he found the love with her that I found in him. A love that makes the world not seem so dark. A love that lights a fire in your soul and challenges you to be the best version of yourself to better this world and the people who surround you.
Love has taught me so many lessons that I will never regret no matter what heartache came with it. There will always be something to take away from the trials of this life. My hope is that one day, I can be a wife and a mother who can lend a shoulder to cry on when my child is faced with a broken-heart. Everyone gets their heart broken in this world, no matter how hard you may try to protect it. The human heart is the most sensitive, breakable, yet strong thing on this earth. And love....love is the most powerful emotion there is-lovesick only defies how amazing and delicate the human heart is; and my friends, that is a beautiful thing. So embrace love when it comes your way, and let it soar when it's time to fly.
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