Day 365.
Today marks 365 days since my heart broke. The day I woke up and would never be the same again. Whenever people used to talk about heartbreak, I never really understood how it could really alter your life so drastically. How the pain could encompass your entire body, heart, mind, and soul. Then I fell in love with a man who knew me better than I knew myself. It's kind of funny how you can look at someone and see your whole life and in a blink of an eye, it is all ripped away from you.
September 11th was the day my heart would never beat the same beat again. It is the day where I knew I'd never be the same, where my mind would never think the same. How is it possible that one person can turn your life in a whole different direction. I could not understand why I had to be the soldier to fight this battle-I had question after question and there was absolutely no peace of mind. I've experienced brokenness and pain before in my life, but the feeling does not compare to the heartache of losing the love of your life. Especially when you have to let go of them when they are still living. We all meet that someone that we plan to never live without. The person we want to wake up to every morning and wrap up with every night. The person we can share our dreams with and cling to when things fall through with those plans. We never imagine that one day we could wake up and that it could all be gone. I went to sleep on September 10th the happiest I had ever been. In love with the man of my dreams. Within an hour, my whole world came crashing down and I had no idea where to turn or what to do. This experience forced me to take drastic measures and really find the strength within myself to decide what to do and what was best for my life. To be courageous and brave. When I was hurting so miserably, all I wanted was to be held by my person. But how can it be that the one person who was suppose to comfort me was the one who wounded me? When I truly reflect back on this time of heartache, I see the growth that took place in my life. My faith, my relationships, my outlook on life, my dreams and goals. I had to decide if I was going to let this trial become the end of my story or not. I will never be able to put into words the amount of pain it took to walk away from something I had waited for for years. Most people don't know this, but when I laid eyes on my man in 8th grade, I instantly fell in love. Without even knowing him, I just felt this undeniable chemistry and I was drawn to him. So I guess you could say I believe in love at first sight, but I believe that only happens once in your lifetime. Besides your children.
So what if the love of my life happened to not be who I spend my life with? I will never regret the time I shared with him. The way he made me feel and the way my outlook on the possibility of forever changed. Forever and always is what we used to promise each other, and even though that is not true, at one point we truly believed that we would be each other's forever. That is the beautiful thing about the human heart-you can literally give your whole heart to one person and end up losing them. But yet, so much love remains. For years, I dreamt of marrying Morgan. I dreamt of being his wife and the mother to his children. I wondered what it would be like to grow old with him and how we would spend our time together as we aged. Everything in life was different because of this person. The way travelling looked and the way I saw the small things in life. Or how you can never take the smallest moments for granted. Every kiss, every hello, every goodbye, and everything in between. I loved that boy with all of me, which is why I walked away with no regrets. Which is the reason I am still able to hold my head high knowing I gave it my all. There is this saying that talks about the different people in our lives. How some people come into our lives for a season, and other's for a lifetime. But the heartache comes when we choose to spend our lives with the seasonal people, and miss out on the forever people. Morgan may have been my forever, but I was not his. Which means that we both have other forever's awaiting for us. We were seasonal in each other's lives. The hard part is when you are inseparable for almost six years. When you know what makes the other person cry and what also makes their soul light on fire with joy and happiness. How do you just decide to let it all go? How do you wake up one day and let go of all the dreams you had of becoming one? The truth is that you don't really ever let go. You choose to move forward, to find new dreams to chase after. Your heart never is the same once you lose that special someone and that's perfectly okay. Because God never takes away without replenishing. He tells us that we must cast our burdens unto Him, and He will set us free. Easier said than done, trust me. Because to this day, I still struggle with the pain I suffered.
One year has gone by now. One very difficult year for me. A year of trials and suffering. A year of rebuilding. A year of healing and finding myself again. One whole year of living every single day without someone I love very much. My heart still aches after one year. I still cry from time to time over the man I once knew. I am still reminded of the past every single day I am alive. And I sometimes feel so lost and confused. However, one year it has taken me to find my ground. To discover interests and passions I never knew I had. One year of learning to forgive myself, to let God forgive me and heal me, to learn to accept trial's for what they are. To accept that love is powerful and that pain is life altering. If I ever saw my past lover again, I know my heart would ache incredibly so. I know that my heart would long for him, while my mind contradicted those feelings. It is okay to never fully move on from your first love. It is normal to dream of them and compare them to the people that come along in your life next. You won't ever forget them as you shouldn't. Because at one point in your life, they were everything to you. They were the reason your heart would beat so fast and why your stomach would fill with butterflies. They were why you believed in happily ever after. So after one year, I have learned to cope with the hurt that comes along with his name and the things we shared. The way my mind wanders when I am reminded of a time where our hearts were full and high on loving one another. Or how I wake up sometimes hoping it was all a dream. Life goes on, people move on, and we put ourselves out there again and let love find us again. So embrace the heartache, embrace the growth that takes place and do not let the evil of this world bring you down. Instead, let it bring you to your knees crying out to Jesus for His love and comfort. Your life will never be the same.
365 days it has been. 365 days of learning to go on another day with a new hope. 365 days of learning to love the sorrows. 365 days of falling in love with myself and the life God has planned for me, no matter how difficult it can be. 365 days of letting my heart hurt when a wave of sadness comes over me. 365 days of accepting that it will hurt from time to time. One year ago my life changed for the better; and even though I miss him with every breath I take, I know that his purpose in my life has been filled, and mine in his. There are no words of harm or hatred towards him, only prayers of love and happiness. To love and be loved is a wild adventure, and I would not have wanted my first love and my first heartbreak to be with any other person. I will love you forever and always.
08/15/2011 ~ 09/11/2016
September 11th was the day my heart would never beat the same beat again. It is the day where I knew I'd never be the same, where my mind would never think the same. How is it possible that one person can turn your life in a whole different direction. I could not understand why I had to be the soldier to fight this battle-I had question after question and there was absolutely no peace of mind. I've experienced brokenness and pain before in my life, but the feeling does not compare to the heartache of losing the love of your life. Especially when you have to let go of them when they are still living. We all meet that someone that we plan to never live without. The person we want to wake up to every morning and wrap up with every night. The person we can share our dreams with and cling to when things fall through with those plans. We never imagine that one day we could wake up and that it could all be gone. I went to sleep on September 10th the happiest I had ever been. In love with the man of my dreams. Within an hour, my whole world came crashing down and I had no idea where to turn or what to do. This experience forced me to take drastic measures and really find the strength within myself to decide what to do and what was best for my life. To be courageous and brave. When I was hurting so miserably, all I wanted was to be held by my person. But how can it be that the one person who was suppose to comfort me was the one who wounded me? When I truly reflect back on this time of heartache, I see the growth that took place in my life. My faith, my relationships, my outlook on life, my dreams and goals. I had to decide if I was going to let this trial become the end of my story or not. I will never be able to put into words the amount of pain it took to walk away from something I had waited for for years. Most people don't know this, but when I laid eyes on my man in 8th grade, I instantly fell in love. Without even knowing him, I just felt this undeniable chemistry and I was drawn to him. So I guess you could say I believe in love at first sight, but I believe that only happens once in your lifetime. Besides your children.
So what if the love of my life happened to not be who I spend my life with? I will never regret the time I shared with him. The way he made me feel and the way my outlook on the possibility of forever changed. Forever and always is what we used to promise each other, and even though that is not true, at one point we truly believed that we would be each other's forever. That is the beautiful thing about the human heart-you can literally give your whole heart to one person and end up losing them. But yet, so much love remains. For years, I dreamt of marrying Morgan. I dreamt of being his wife and the mother to his children. I wondered what it would be like to grow old with him and how we would spend our time together as we aged. Everything in life was different because of this person. The way travelling looked and the way I saw the small things in life. Or how you can never take the smallest moments for granted. Every kiss, every hello, every goodbye, and everything in between. I loved that boy with all of me, which is why I walked away with no regrets. Which is the reason I am still able to hold my head high knowing I gave it my all. There is this saying that talks about the different people in our lives. How some people come into our lives for a season, and other's for a lifetime. But the heartache comes when we choose to spend our lives with the seasonal people, and miss out on the forever people. Morgan may have been my forever, but I was not his. Which means that we both have other forever's awaiting for us. We were seasonal in each other's lives. The hard part is when you are inseparable for almost six years. When you know what makes the other person cry and what also makes their soul light on fire with joy and happiness. How do you just decide to let it all go? How do you wake up one day and let go of all the dreams you had of becoming one? The truth is that you don't really ever let go. You choose to move forward, to find new dreams to chase after. Your heart never is the same once you lose that special someone and that's perfectly okay. Because God never takes away without replenishing. He tells us that we must cast our burdens unto Him, and He will set us free. Easier said than done, trust me. Because to this day, I still struggle with the pain I suffered.
One year has gone by now. One very difficult year for me. A year of trials and suffering. A year of rebuilding. A year of healing and finding myself again. One whole year of living every single day without someone I love very much. My heart still aches after one year. I still cry from time to time over the man I once knew. I am still reminded of the past every single day I am alive. And I sometimes feel so lost and confused. However, one year it has taken me to find my ground. To discover interests and passions I never knew I had. One year of learning to forgive myself, to let God forgive me and heal me, to learn to accept trial's for what they are. To accept that love is powerful and that pain is life altering. If I ever saw my past lover again, I know my heart would ache incredibly so. I know that my heart would long for him, while my mind contradicted those feelings. It is okay to never fully move on from your first love. It is normal to dream of them and compare them to the people that come along in your life next. You won't ever forget them as you shouldn't. Because at one point in your life, they were everything to you. They were the reason your heart would beat so fast and why your stomach would fill with butterflies. They were why you believed in happily ever after. So after one year, I have learned to cope with the hurt that comes along with his name and the things we shared. The way my mind wanders when I am reminded of a time where our hearts were full and high on loving one another. Or how I wake up sometimes hoping it was all a dream. Life goes on, people move on, and we put ourselves out there again and let love find us again. So embrace the heartache, embrace the growth that takes place and do not let the evil of this world bring you down. Instead, let it bring you to your knees crying out to Jesus for His love and comfort. Your life will never be the same.
365 days it has been. 365 days of learning to go on another day with a new hope. 365 days of learning to love the sorrows. 365 days of falling in love with myself and the life God has planned for me, no matter how difficult it can be. 365 days of letting my heart hurt when a wave of sadness comes over me. 365 days of accepting that it will hurt from time to time. One year ago my life changed for the better; and even though I miss him with every breath I take, I know that his purpose in my life has been filled, and mine in his. There are no words of harm or hatred towards him, only prayers of love and happiness. To love and be loved is a wild adventure, and I would not have wanted my first love and my first heartbreak to be with any other person. I will love you forever and always.
08/15/2011 ~ 09/11/2016
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